I've been reading the book, “Radical” by David Platt. (Warning! This book will wreck your life if you let it) Suddenly, my whole life, my whole purpose, my whole being, is changed. I've realized that the last two years, I've been living completely for myself. Sure, I “helped” out in the youth group, and with the elementary outreach and the jr. high kids outreach, but what does that even mean? Don't get me wrong, doing those things isn't wrong, but it was wrong for me. I was doing it for myself, I was doing it so that I would feel like I had a place and feel like I was making a difference. Let me tell you, that's not how I felt. All I felt was empty and more unhappy. When I got out of master's Commission, (a discipleship school I attended for two years) I had signed a commitment to them saying that I would serve my home church for a year- it was a fight to make it through that year. That commitment I made, is really what kept me from running away completly. After that year, I didn't know what to do, so I simply kept doing the same thing I was doing- “serving” and trying to feel fulfilled.
Now I look back on those two years, and see how much time and effort I wasted on myself. Some of you might say, “you did awesome things with those kids” and maybe I did, but what for? I only did it for myself.
Fed up with that life, I made myself as busy as possible, working for yet again, myself. Only to feel more wiped out and tired and just plain empty. How lonely life is when you can't get your eyes off yourself. Well here I am in Nicaragua! After saving enough money, I bought myself a plane ticket and came here to visit my dear friends. At least when I'm with them I feel happy! Yes I also came to serve their ministry here and see what life is like- and two and half weeks in, it's ruined me hopefully for good!!!
I knew I would have a lot of down time here so I brought some books to read. One of the books I received at the end of my MC years, was Radical. I had tried to read it in the two years I've been home but couldn't get myself past the first chapter. Upon re-reading the first chapter here, my heart is changed.
I knew coming here would also be a wonderful time to re-connect to God and pray about what he has for me next. And goodness has it been good! I've missed so much living for myself! I have come to the conclusion that life is not worth living for myself. Just let that sink in. Think about life, the things we do, the people we see, the books we read, isn't it all for us? The worldly culture says that we need to make ourselves happy and fulfilled to truly embrace life. Whoa. This is the reality that we choose to ignore and participate in every day.
I have yet again, come to the end of myself- I am nothing. I am unworthy. I am powerless. I have nothing to offer. I am weak. I am empty.
Jesus, oh my Jesus – HE is something! He is worthy! He is powerful! He has SO much to offer! HE is strong! And His spirit IN me, makes me full!
The church today is too much about making ourselves look good and feel good when really, we have nothing to offer this world. It's only by the amazing grace of my Father that I can do anything! Luke 11:11-13 says, “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” All we have to do is ask, and we have the Holy Spirit! David Platt talks in his book about how when ask the Lord to give us peace, he doesn't just give us peace, no it the Holy Spirit in us that is peace. The Holy Spirit in me in Love, Joy, Life, Strength and so much more!
It's all about Him and making him known in this world! If we think we have something to offer the world, then we'll get excited that when we can do something because then they'll see me! But It's not about us- God gave us the Holy Spirit so that he can be glorified through us. I don't want to go home in a few weeks and continue living for myself and to make me happy, I want to truly live for him and that means realizing I don't have anything to offer, but His Holy Spirit in me has what I need to serve and love.